I'm Not Good With Feelings

I'm not good with feelings, because I don't know how to love. I pushed my lover away until they had no choice but to end it himself. I push him away to see if he can handle the bad side of me? Because most of guy only can handle a girl who is constant and I'm really not, I'm a complicated girl. 

Then, now when I see my men with others I feel great that's better than you with me and all this problem. But, now I am being afraid in relationship because I'm the problem.

The frustrating thing about all of this is that I actually want a relationship like others do. But I'm terrible with all of this. I break plans, I make excuses just because I want to be alone in my bedroom or something stupid thing. It's me, I'm the problem. Maybe I've had someone who were ready to love me, and I ran away from them screaming. I'm just insane.

Today, I'm so locked inside of myself and I'm not sure if anyone will ever be able to get me out. But, believe me I do believe. There is someone who gonna see trough my eyes and telling me that I am okay and he is okay, and that's all love need plus accept me completely with all this crazy thing about me (I believe he will have something bad side too and here I am to accept him). I mean I do believe there is someone who will teach each other how to love completely without making excuses. I do believe when I meet him one day I will be a lovely wife.

don't find love, let love find you, that's why it's called falling in love, because you don't force yourself to fall, you just fall - unknown